


BOOK 2 THE WEDDING GUEST'S LETTERS  (46/4)

by Mariahtessjojasper



Category: The Wedding Guest (2018)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2020-12-20 18:04:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 7,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21060899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mariahtessjojasper/pseuds/Mariahtessjojasper
Summary: Jay leaves Samira alone in February in Goa after helping her sell some of the stones.  He indicates he'll be back to Goa in December.  He tells her he will be on an assignment where he can't be reached.  She texts him as he is leaving on the plane but when she tries to text and call later his number is blocked. Samira begins writing him letters (paper and pen)  which she gives to Nitin to mail to Sammy and trusts Sammy to get them to Jay.





	1. Samira Letter 1 March

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Samira and jay](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Samira+and+jay).

Letter 1

March 

Dear Jay Or Whatever Your Fucking Name Is, 

You blocked me on your phone? 

Angry emoji. Just imagine it. With pen and paper there are no emojis. I could draw one but you don't deserve a drawing. Even an angry one. I won't waste my time drawing you an emoji. 

So you are all kissing my palm and holding my hand and looking at me all soft-eyed and tender and saying I love you and then you leave and it really is just oh I love you but good bye. That's it?

So you're saying I won't leave with your money and I won't leave in the middle of the night and I won't leave without saying good bye. And I won't leave without an explanation. Like you are so virtuous. So morally superior. 

Sure, sure.

Okay - I left you in the middle of the night. Well, it was early morning. And I took most of your money. But not all of it. I left you five thousand. And I took the stones I said I would split with you. Okay I shouldn't have done that. But this? This is just to hurt me. I know it is just to make me feel what you felt when I left. I know what you're doing. Empty you said, you felt empty. Disappointed. Then angry. Well now you've made me feel all that. And helpless? Did you feel helpless? I feel helpless. Happy? Admit it. I know you did this did this on purpose. 

What about that?

So I know you. Well I don't know you, do I? And that's the way you wanted it. Isn't it? All sincere but not really telling me anything. All inscrutable. You walk around all zen. Yeah yeah Warrior priest. Or some Arthurian knight. Gawain or Lancelot or Galahad. I thought knight, but no. You fooled me cause you seemed like such a gentleman. Such a gentle man. (Except for the killing people.) No you are more like some cowboy who rides into town. Rescues the girl. She falls in love and then he rides on. You're a country western song. If I ever see you again, I'll buy you cowboy boots. And I'll make you wear them.

Sure. Sure. You got me. And here I am. All crying and sad. Happy? Happy now? I knew. I said this is what you would do. I said you'd just love me and leave me. Didn't I say that? Remember that? 

So you just leave me alone here in this house. Okay I admit it. It's empty without you. And you wanted it to feel empty, didn't you? Your cooking and making me coffee and omelets and being around, all sweet and devoted. Lying around. Your legs all stretched out. All relaxed and comfortable. Sitting on the stairs. And your Elvis hair. And now nothing. 

But circumstances are a little different don't you think? I had a dead boyfriend. A dead x-boyfriend I guess he was. And I was out there spinning on my own. Not anchored at all. But is this how it felt when I left you? The curtain blowing by the bed, the bed empty, the kitchen, the whole place empty, the house so fucking quiet. The beach lonely. That's how it was? How could you stand it? I can't stand it. 

I know you did this on purpose. To make me feel what you felt. And you didn't say it, but now I know you felt helpless. I was gone. And that is how I feel. Helpless. 

But you know I didn't block you. I didn't actually block you on my phone. I never blocked you. I knew you wouldn't call. Knew you couldn't call, that you'd wait for me to call you. I knew that. But I never blocked you. And you know I didn't leave to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. Never. You're hurting me on purpose. 

Fuck you. 

I don't like writing. Paper and pen. But what choice do I have? I'm going up to Jaipur. I won't be as lonely up there. I'm taking this to Nitin to send to Sammy and I'll write a note to Sammy to ask him to get this to you. I know Sammy can get this to you one way or another. I want you to have to read it. 

Samira


	2. Samira Letter 2 March

Letter 2

March 

Dear Jay Or Whatever Your Name Is (JOWYNI),

Sammy called me. He read my letter to you. He said it isn't possible for you to have the letter - to read the letter yourself. He says it would be dangerous for you. He said my letter made you laugh. 

Motherfucker. You laughed?

You said I swear like a Greek sailor? That you heard me.

How many Greek sailors do you know?

Maybe I will look for a Greek sailor. One that likes marine life. Like octopi. And girls who swear. 

I won't do that. I could though.

Not too many Greek sailors in Jaipur it turns out. 

Sammy said you said to tell me you always wanted cowboy boots. And to remind me that you can wait you can think and you can fast. Ha ha. You think it impresses me that you quote Hesse. Yeah yeah. 

Sammy said you can't write me or call me but you will be done with this job in December. He said you said to tell me not to take the phone being blocked personally. That the blocking is related to the job. Sure, sure. 

He said you plan to go to the Goa house in December. 

So do you want me to be waiting for you in Goa? If you want that you have to say it. You have to ask me. Beg me maybe. Ha. See. 

Sammy said he is one of your contacts and he will see you regularly or be in touch with you and you made him promise that if I wrote he would manage to read my notes to you. Well maybe I will write again. 

Maybe I won't.

So Gale said I need a cover story. That other people need to be able to put me in a box they are comfortable with. He said I have to have a story. So we decided I'll have an inheritance from a grandmother and I'll be an enthusiastic but unsuccessful photographer. So I am going to specialize in Indian cemeteries - well British cemeteries in India. Not a lot of competition. Hindus think the cemeteries are haunted. You know that? They think that burning the body frees the soul and if the body isn't burned the soul stays with the body. So Hindus believe British cemeteries are full of ghosts, trapped souls. Most Hindus won't go into those British cemeteries. Think of what that is like, a ghost tied to every grave, like a forest of ghosts you'd walk through. Maybe I could have safely buried some of the jewels in a cemetery. Maybe that would have been a good place. Now I have ID but if I hadn't...

So Gale helped me buy a couple of cameras and helped me rent a little place in Jaipur as my gallery. And I enrolled in this school of photography. Nitin knows someone there. I am taking pictures of the theater group too. Gale and I flew down to Delhi to The Nicholson Cemetery and I photographed the grave markers. I was nervous about the flight but the ID is good. No problem. I put the pictures of the gravestones up in my little gallery. Guarantees I don't have any customers. But I like the whole thing. Walking around with cameras, I think people just notice the cameras not me.

My hair is black now and short (you would hate it) and I am using kohl around my eyes. Nitin says I look Egyptian. And Gale suggested I wear glasses - he got me clear glasses from the prop room at the theater. You might not recognize me if we passed on the street. I am enclosing a photo I took of myself. A self portrait. But if Sammy reads the letters to you cause it is too dangerous for you to have them and read them yourself, I guess Sammy will just have to describe the picture to you. But then he'll put it in your flat so I guess you will see it eventually. By then though my hair may be long and green. 

You can't write me, can't keep my letters. Sammy says you are safe. But what is he going to say? 

Sammy says he and his wife want to go down to the beach house in a couple of weeks. He said you said to ask me. Sammy wants to dive. Of course it is fine. It's your house. Should I go down and meet Amelia? Maybe do a little diving with Sammy


	3. Samira Letter 3 April

Letter 3  


April 

JOWYNI (Jay Or Whatever Your Name Is) (pronounced Joe Win Eye),

I went down to the beach house. Went diving with Sammy. And I met Amelia. And the kids. Amelia said to me, “I've heard a lot of good things about you. I hope we can be friends.” And she put her hand out and shook my hand. Sammy found the perfect English girl, yeah? Light brown hair. Freckled nose. Flat shoes. Sensible and direct. Warm though. 

Sammy brought me the ring. He says you told him to go to your flat and take it out of your safe that it was your grandfather's ring. That you want me to have it. That you can't buy me anything right now but you want to say sorry for hurting me when you left in February. 

Not necessary. I left you; you left me. We are even. You were hurt and angry. I was hurt and angry. No need to give me anything. But, hmmm a black star sapphire. I just sit sometimes and look into it. A ring huh? What does that even mean? It's too big. I may get a chain and wear it around my neck. I guess I should say thank you. That sounds reluctant. Sarcastic. Do I have to give you a ring? 

Amelia says she has known you since you were nine. She says you she you Sammy all grew up together. She says your mother did have a laugh like a donkey. Kind of a bray. And that everyone loved her. And she told me that your father is elegant - aristocratic - looks like a duke or something, that he is tall and stands very straight. Kind of commanding. She said he was crazy about your mom. She said your mom's death devastated your dad and you. Amelia said your sister was already married and she managed a bit better.

Sammy's kids are pretty cute. 

Sammy and Amelia insisted they stay in the guest room and that I sleep in our room. They put the little boy on the couch and put the little girl in bed with them. In the middle of the night the little girl Sarah came and stood in my doorway sucking her thumb and with a blanket (her blanket) and asked if she could get into my bed with me since there was only one person in it and there were three people in her father's bed and it was "a little bit crowded". 

I said of course and she crawled in bed with me. She looked right at me and said “Thank you very much. I hope we can be friends.” And she put her hand out so we could shake. She's four. 

We all had dinner at the cafe. The waitress hadn't seen my Nefertiti look but she said she liked it. Wondered if you had seen it I told her no. She shook her head. 

At the cafe Sammy told Amelia and the kids (and the kids?!!!) about my swimming naked in Lahore. 

Amelia said she admired me. And Sarah said she would like to go to Lahore to swim naked. Sammy thought it was all very funny. Little seven year old Jay looked aghast. (So Sammy's son is named Jay, imagine that.) Both the kids are very serious. Little Jay said that he didn't think women were allowed to swim naked that it was against the law. 

Sammy said it wasn't against the law in Lahore when two men like him and “Uncle Jay” are keeping a look-out. Little Jay said that he would keep look out if Sarah or I wanted to swim naked. He said moms though were not allowed to do any naked swimming even with look-outs. 

Thank you for sending the ring.

Sammy gave me his home address so I can send your letters directly to his house. I don't have to go through Nitin. I think it was Amelia. I think she told Sammy it would be okay. It is pretty low risk. I'm not the stalker type and I'm never going back to England. 

S.


	4. Samira Letter 4 April

Letter 4 

April 

JOWYNI,

Sammy and I went diving again. Diving with him reminded me of how it felt after when we were in Dara Adamkhel. Close. 

I'm going back up to Jaipur tomorrow. They are staying another week before they go back to the UK. Sammy told me. He admitted what you are doing is dangerous. I knew it was. Sammy admits that you are in a place that if you get caught you could be killed. Shot? Hanged? You weren't joking about hanged? He won't tell me where you are. Are you a spy? One of those military advisers? And her Majesty's government will say they never heard of you if you get caught.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Why didn't you just stay in India with me?

I don't have anything else to say.

Sammy told me. He says he told me cause I kept badgering him about why you can't read my letters yourself. He says he broke down. How could he ever hold out under torture conditions if I can make him confess just with badgering. An SAS guy vs badgering? Come on. He wanted to tell me. 

Why not tell me the truth? 

Are you fooling around with Kurds? 

Now I can't sleep.

And I am glad Sammy has to read this to you.

Badger


	5. Samira Letter 5 May

Letter 5 

May 

So, 

You could be killed. You know that right? And you didn't have to go. Why didn't you say no? 

Sammy called me.

Sammy says if I insult him again in one of my notes he will no longer be my messenger. He says that all he has ever done is support me. He wasn't that nice to me before we went to Adam Darra Khel was he? Didn't he demand to know at one point if I was a snake or a scorpion? Not that nice before we went up to buy guns. 

I want to be mad at someone. I should apologize to Sammy. I will apologize to him. He should get credit for having such a nice family. He's a good dad. A funny dad - he makes his kids laugh. Do you think you would ever make your kids laugh? 

Sometimes you wink. And, the day before I left Goa you startled me with a shell - you said "look out" and then pushed the thing toward me. You scared me. That made you laugh. Well okay we both laughed. You would probably do things like that to your kids. Kind of funny. Startling someone. A little juvenile. I know you were happy in Goa. You relax there. The way you looked at me in Goa. So tender. So wide open.

Right now I feel mad at you all the time. Shot? Hanged? Hanged?

I asked Sammy if I couldn't just e-mail or text my notes now. He gave me his home address awhile ago. I told you. I have his phone and email. Emailing or texting would be easier. If I decide to keep writing... I might have stopped but the ring. Well the ring melted me. Sammy said you said the ring is mine to do with whatever I like. That you knew it would be too big. Sammy said you said to have the stone reset or have it resized. Sammy says you want me to wear it. Want me to get it to a size I can wear. But what will it mean? Sammy says it will mean you and I are connected and that it will make you feel good to think I am wearing a ring you gave me and it doesn't need to mean any more than that. And Sammy said he thinks the black star sapphire might be related to a song you like. Mystic Queen by Camel. You were listening to that in Jaipur at the Rambagh Palace. Okay, I'll take the ring to a jeweler in town and see if it be can resized for me and I guess I'll wear it. Okay. Anyway, Sammy says writing paper and pen is better. He said you like knowing that there are letters waiting in your flat from me and that someday you can read them yourself. Real letters. And Sammy said emails and texts aren't the same and they can be hacked. He said if I am going to write to you, use paper and ink. 

Sammy says you were already committed to this job before I called you for help with the stones. That you would never have opted out of the job. That people were - well are - counting on you. 

Sure, sure. 

Stay safe. Safe. I mean it. Damnit. 

Tapioca 


	6. Samira Letter 6 May

Letter 6 

May

Dear Joe Win Eye,

Sammy says to stop calling you that: Joe Win Eye. He says your name is Jay Shah. And he says I ought to know that and I ought to stop playing games. He was annoyed. 

And he wanted me to know why I signed my letter Tapioca.He said my signing Badger was obvious but he never heard you call me Tapioca. He probably thinks he knows everything about you. I dare you to tell him. Ha. 

I think Gale wants to go home to the States. He went to San Francisco for two weeks. I could tell he was happy to be back there. Good coffee on very corner. And his Indian boyfriend here has a boyfriend. I don't know if he knows, maybe he knows and he is ignoring it. But maybe he is beginning to be done with him. And with India. He could go back. I would miss him. A lot. 

I spend time with the theater people now. I have my photography classes too. The theater people just accept me. It is a good feeling to be accepted like that. I have been lonely. How lonely were you when I left you? But you have a life to go back to. I have to rebuild mine, yeah. But you (by you I mean anyone) can be lonely for just one person. I missed you too much after I left you in Goa. I told you. 

Sammy and the kids and Amelia were here in Jaipur again. I had dinner with them. Then they are going back down to Goa to the beach house for a few days before they go back to England. They are visiting Sammy's grandmother. I think she is not well. 

Little Jay and I had a conversation about your Ghurka knife. He is very impressed with it. I told him I had seen a picture of it. He told me he got to hold it and take it out of its "jacket" and you let him cut a piece of paper with it. Sammy corrected him and told him knives are kept in sheaths not jackets. 

Sammy and I talked. He said they may pull you out early. Does that mean you are in more danger? Sammy won't say. He is holding a grudge for my saying he wouldn't hold up under torture. So sensitive for some guy who is X-SAS. 

I'm in Jaipur. I like Goa, but it is not the same there when you are not there. 

Don't get hanged. 

S


	7. Samira Letter 7  June

Letter 7  


June

Jo Win Eye,

You have to tell me your real name. You yourself. In person. Face to face. Sammy can't do it. It has to come from you.  


So now you're sending me songs? Sammy played the song My Least Favorite Life by Lera Lynn to me on the phone. He said you said I had to listen to it because it is how you felt after I left you in Goa in November. Aren't we past that? How many ways can I say sorry? How many times can I explain? You're gone somewhere in mortal danger and you are making me listen yet again to a description of bad I made you feel when I left you that morning in Goa. Fuck. You want me to hear this.

This is my least favorite life  
The one where you fly and I don't  
The kiss holds a million deceits  
And a lifetime goes up in smoke  
This is my least favorite you  
Who floats far above earth and stone  
The nights that I twist on the rack  
Is the time that I feel most at home  
We wandering in the shade  
And the rustle of falling leaves  
A bird on the edge of a blade  
Lost now forever, my love, in a sweet memory  
The station rolls away from the train  
The blue pulls away from the sky  
The whisper of two broken wings  
May be they're yours, maybe they're mine  
This is my least favorite life  
The one where I am out of my mind  
The one where you're just out of reach  
The one where I stand, and you fly  
I am wandering in the shade  
And the rustle of fallen leaves  
A bird on the edge of a blade  
Lost now forever, my love, in a sweet memory

It's too much. No. I can't listen to it. I didn't mean for you to feel that way. A bird on the edge of a blade? Twist on the rack? Isn't that overdoing it? I hurt you. I didn't mean to. How bad do you want me to feel? I feel bad. I did not mean to hurt you. Sammy said he played the song for Amelia and she said it is a lament. I looked it up and it was written by Rosanne Cash, Johnny Cash's daughter. So I am going to excuse this as a cowboy thing. A cowboy lament. Sammy says he doesn't know what else I can do. Sammy says he doesn't know what you want. I know what you want. I asked you when we were at the India-Pakistan border in February. After Darra Adamkhel. I said what do you want? And you said "Everything, I want everything."

Okay one thing more about Goa in November. It was like this: Once a friend of mine hit a deer with his car up near Richmond Park. He said he saw the deer and the deer saw him but neither could stop or turn away. He said they were each on their own trajectory. He used that word:Trajectory. A trajectory they couldn't deviate from. It was like that for me in Goa. I planned to go separate ways. We agreed to that remember? I planned it from the beginning and I couldn't stop. It was my trajectory. I like you, liked sex with you, but I was like the deer, I was already on a course I couldn't turn back from or turn away from. I could see that you weren't as controlled, as inhibited as I thought. See that you were playful. I would have stayed longer Goa. I should have, but I couldn't change course. I just couldn't change course. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry you were hurt. 

I am wearing the ring. I got it sized. I like the stone a lot. Mystic Queen, huh? 

I am going to find a song for you. 

Samira


	8. Samira Letter 8 June

Letter 8 

June 

So Joe Win Eye,

I have found a song for you. An old song. 

The theater troop is considering doing the musical Cats. And the group was sitting around naming cat poems and cat songs and one of them played a song called In the Year of the Cat. Al Stewart. Not Rod Stewart. It's from the 70's and has a nice saxophone - maybe your father knows it. Part of the song is 

Well morning comes and you're still with her  
And the bus and the tourists are gone  
And you've thrown away your choice you've lost your ticket  
So you have to stay on

You are going to throw away choice and lose your ticket and the morning will come and you'll still be with me. 

She doesn't give you time for questions  
As she locks up your arm in hers  
And you follow 'till your sense of which direction  
Completely disappears

I am going to lock up your arm in mine and I won't give you time for questions. 

Sammy promised to play the whole song for you. 

she looks at you so cooly  
And her eyes shine like the moon in the sea  
She comes in incense and patchouli  


Poor Sammy what can we do for him to pay him for being our long suffering messenger pigeon.

He is our Hogwarts' owl.

Do my eyes shine like the moon in the sea?  
I am going to buy some incense and patchouli.

Don't get shot.

Samira


	9. Samira Letter 9 July

Letter 9

July

Joe Win Eye,

So Sammy says he has another song for me from you. Poor Sammy he has to sit on the phone and listen to these things with me. Sammy says this is Van Morrison and he says he likes Van Morrison, so it's not a problem. (Least Favorite Life bothered him but he says he knew you felt bad after I left you in Goa.) Sammy said before Goa you never had a real girlfriend, not anyone that you couldn't take or leave. He says girls would come around a lot and it was like you would be a couple with one of them for while cause they wanted it but sometimes you would forget their names. He says the girl was always more interested in you than you were in her. 'Til me. Sammy says that with me it is different. Completely different. He says I have your attention. Not like anything he has ever seen with you before. Sammy says that Amelia says you were shattered after I left you in Goa. That wasn't my fault. You got ahead of me. Doesn't anyone understand my side? 

Sammy says he likes a song called Into the Mystic by Van Morrison. 

So you are making Sammy play me a song by Van Morrison. A love song. 

Sammy says the exact one he is supposed to play for me is the the 1999 remaster and that at the end Van Morrison says “How was that?” Sammy says you say the song says what you want to say to me.

Sammy said you said to say to me it is not just the words - it's the music too. The words and the music together are how you feel. Okay. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SDhUAVKNVg&feature=share]

I'll be your man  
I'll understand  
Do my best to take good care a you  
Yes I will  
You'll be my queen  
I'll be your king  
And I'll be your lover, too  


And so I come  
To be the one  
Who's always standing next to you  


Umm, reach out for me  
So I can be alright  
The one who's always reaching out for you  


This is what you feel? What you want to say to me? I'll be your queen? Your mystic queen? 

You know how to wrap a girl up in a neat package when you want to, yeah? 

Poor Sammy, what can we do to thank him. I asked him. He says you would do this for him. Would you? 

I found the song - the exact one - and put it in my phone. Maybe I will make part of it a ringtone for you. Maybe someday you'll call, yeah? 

S.


	10. Samira Letter 10  July

Letter10 

July

Jay,

Okay. I'll accept your name is Jay. How could I keep teasing you after that song? That song. 

That song is a lot of pressure. I mean how do I find a song that says what I feel? Like that. But different. 

I want to find a song for you. I am searching.

I listened to the Wedding Song and liked some of it but most of it is too religious for me. 

And I thought maybe an old song by Rod Stewart You're in My Heart. 

You're in my heart, you're in my soul  


The chorus fits. Not all of it. My breath? My best friend? Not that. But "You're in my heart, you're in my soul" is good.

Then I remembered a poem from a class. At uni. A poetry survey class. Maybe I was a little embarrassed by the poem when I first read it. But last night I remembered it - some of it - in the middle of the might. It woke me. I remembered enough of it to find it. And it is perfect. It's what I want to say to you. It's my response to your I'll Be Your Lover Too song. 

This is my answer.

I Like My Body When It Is With Your  
by ee cummings

i like my body when it is with your  
body. It is so quite new a thing.  
Muscles better and nerves more.  
i like your body. i like what it does,  
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine  
of your body and its bones,and the trembling  
-firm-smooth ness and which i will  
again and again and again  
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,  
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz  
of your electric fur,and what-is-it comes  
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs  
and possibly i like the thrill  
of me under you so quite new  


So the last line is supposed to be "of under me you so quite new." I changed it to fit what I want to say. 

I wrote all this before I remembered that Sammy has to read it to you. Sometimes I forget these letters don't go directly from me to you. 

Sammy says he is beginning to like being a voyeur. 

How does a person get a friend like Sammy? 

S.


	11. Samira Letter 11 August

Letter 11 

August 

So Jay,

Sammy said you liked the poem. He said you made him read it 4 times. He put the letter with it in your flat. 

He said he saw you. This time you were both in a Starbucks like place - a coffee house he said. He said you looked fine. Beard a little wild he said. Acting like you didn't know each other, two different tables. He told me cause I asked how it works. It is different every time he said. And part of his being your contact is he has to see you. He has to "lay eyes on you." What are you doing there? 

He said sometimes he leaves you a phone in a predetermined place. Then you go to a cafe maybe and he follows you pretends he doesn't know you then calls you on the phone. And you have in earbuds. And you have a newspaper or are reading on a laptop. And he calls you and he has my letter and he talks to you - some other things he has to talk to you about first and when he's done with that he reads my letter. He said sometimes you want him to read it two or even three times. Then you get up and leave. Sometimes you leave him something as part of what you are doing. There or somewhere else. He said this time you drew some pictures on the newspaper. You left the paper on the table. So when you left he went over and picked up the newspaper. It said "for S."

He sent the page from the newspaper. The page with your drawings. You drew a heart a Christmas tree and an octopus. Just like I texted you on the plane right after you left me in Goa. Right before you blocked me. 

But the octopus? Sammy was there remember? He knows what that means. He knows The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife. 

That is your response to my poem?

Are we in love? 

S.


	12. Samira Letter 12 August

Letter12 

August

Terrified.

If they catch you will they hang you on TV. Remember in Argo? People hanging from cranes. 

Where are you? Sammy said he can't tell me. Sammy said even if I were your wife he couldn't tell me. Tell him to tell me. 

Sammy called me. They haven't seen you. He hasn't seen you. Your other contacts haven't seen you. They don't know where you are. You have missed two contacts. Sammy says there is an exfil plan. He says it is a good plan. He admitted they have to know where you are for the plan to work. Sammy says I am sarcastic. 

He didn't want to tell me. He said you told him to be honest with me. To tell me whatever was going on. I would get it out of him anyway. 

Sammy told me you're doing an exfil. So if they exfil you it will be an an exfil of a failed ex-fil? Is that it? Why couldn't you just tell me that in Goa? Is ex-filling better than being a spy? It's kind of the same isn't it? 

Sammy says exfil is completely different from being a spy. It is saving someone. He says if your exfil works it's going to be high profile. He says you absolutely can't tell me. 

He told me to read a book. The Spy and the Traitor. He said not because of the Spy part or the Traitor part. But the exfil. He said "Great great xfil." He said he wants me to know they will get you out. 

He didn't really sound too sure. 

You told me you are a student of exfils. I need you to be a master of exfils. 

Does Sammy do this exfil stuff. ? How does Amelia bear it?

I'm fine. I don't want to read the book. 

I could do audible though.


	13. Samira Letter 13  September

Letter 13 

September 

Sammy said he is sure you are okay. That I was wrong to say he didn't sound sure. 

He said they think they know where you are and they are pretty sure you are where you are voluntarily. Sammy has been in London. He says he is going to go near where they think you are. He says he goes back and forth between London and wherever you are and he won't tell me where that is but that is how he reads you my letters. 

So what am I supposed to do?


	14. Samira Letter 14 September

Letter 14 

September

So.

Sammy says he has seen you.

He called me last night.

You're okay.

You're still doing whatever it is you are doing. But you are okay. He says they are going to get you out in the next few days.

He says you have nothing to say about it. You're out.

He said he will call me when you are out. He doesn't know if you will be able to talk to me. You may be held by the good guys for debriefing. He said you will call if you can.

I'm in Jaipur, maybe I'll go down to Goa. It's still raining a lot of days. I feel close to you in the beach house. But more lonely there too. I want to walk on the beach. 


	15. Samira Letter 15 October

Letter 15 

October

So,

You aren't out. Sammy said you waved them off. Sammy says you aren't finished. And you want to stay. Want to finish.

What about how I feel? Have you thought about that? Do I have any say?

Sammy said he is sorry. He said he knows this is hard. 

Sammy is in worse shape trying to take care of me than he is trying to keep track of you. He says he understands your situation and knows how to cope with it. He says I give him headaches. Does he say that to you?

I'm okay. I'm back in Goa. I feel close to you here. I play your van Morrison song. Go to the cafe. I walk on the beach. Even in the rain. Only 6 days of rain usually in October. 

Will you really be here in December? Do you have a ticket? Are you flying into Mumbai? Taking Spice back down. 

Oh so did Sammy tell you? There is a present waiting for you in your flat. Yeah. 

Real cowboy boots. Made in USA. I looked at lots of boots. These are the right ones. Restrained, quite handsome. Tony Lama boots. "Black Vintage Kangaroo." (Sammy gave me your size.) You'll like them. 

You better be wearing them when I see you next, cowboy. 


	16. Samira Letter 16 October

Letter 16 

October

Cowboy,

I'm still in Goa. Taking photos here and there. Leaves. I like leaves. Waves. Things in the sand. 

Some rain. Warm days. Warm nights. 

I'm bored, restless. Lonely. Lonely for you, I guess. 

Are you almost finished with this whatever thing?

I haven't heard from Sammy much. He calls, says he reads you my letters. He says he sees you, that he is back and forth between the town where you are and London. He says he tries to be near as much as possible so if you need him he can be there fast. He said things are winding up. They better be. He says you're good. Safe.

The theater troop is going to do Macbeth. They want me to be one of the witches. 

So to do it I have to go back up to Jaipur. My cemetery photography and now a witch in Macbeth. 

For Macbeth I still have to audition to be a witch. Please no comment from you. For your information, they didn't have a part for a snake or a scorpion or for that matter a wolverine. Cats The Musical got voted down. So it's Macbeth. I have been painting scenery for them helping with costumes and make-up just back stage but never been on stage.

Sammy was relieved. He thinks an acting part will give me something else to focus on. 

I'm glad Sammy is there a lot. I feel better that he is there. Remember when we were on the shooting range in Darra Adam Khel. I never felt safer than when I was standing on the range with you on one side and Sammy on the other. I was holding a gun so that maybe helped. Remember when we were sitting at the Pakistan border. Remember you said something like "what a long strange trip it's been," a line from the Grateful Dead. 

What a long strange trip it's been, yeah. 

I trust Sammy to keep you safe, cowboy. 

S.


	17. Samira Letter 17 November

Letter 17 

November 

I can read the papers you know. 

So surprise surprise some big shot in the Iranian army defected bringing all his secrets with him. And he got safely out. And all the reports are so vague about how he got out. Mountains and camels was it? Swiss Air? Bicycles and Gatorade? Did you put him in a trunk? A hood and plastic ties? That's your style isn't it? Oh and he has some connection to the Shah. Connections to Pahlavis. Connections to Rezas. And he used those connections to get out. He was a spy and someone ex-filled him. I wonder who that was? Who could it be? 

Sammy says I am sarcastic. Sure sure. 

So I watched two movies about getting out of Iran, Not Without My Daughter and I watched Argo again. Gale got me copies and a machine.

Do you want to be Tony Mendez. Do you want people to say oh that Jay he is is such a great exfil spesh. But they can't can they? Cause no one can know what you guys do, can they? 

So, I have one thing to say to you cowboy. Argo fuck yourself.

But you'll be back now right? Won't you? 

Goa. I mean how long do they make you talk about these things after. 

You know Ben Affleck is too old to play you in the movie.

What do you and Sammy say? Who dares, wins. Or is it who cares, who wins? 

You're out. When are you coming to Goa? 


	18. Samira Letter 18 November

Letter 18 

November

Sammy says to meet you in Goa on the fifth.

I can't. I want to. But I can't. It isn't because you didn't beg me to be there though you should have begged me.

I said I'd do Macbeth tried out for it and everything. They gave me the part. The best witch part. 

Double, double toil and trouble; 

Fire burn, and cauldron bubble. 

Fillet of a fenny snake, 

In the cauldron boil and bake; 

Eye of newt and toe of frog, 

I can cook for you again in Goa. I have new recipes. Smile emoji. 

I don't want to let them down. You get that right?

That's why you left me in February right? Because you didn't want to let people down. 

So it's basically the same thing without the life and death part and the camels and the spy part. Just the can't-let-people-down part is the same 

The play finishes on the 10th. I'll be down on the 11th. I'll fly. 

I'll see you if you are still there. 41 


End file.
